In April I worked for these abstract drawings and last week I started to get some forms that I could recognise. I start without any object in my mind but just sometimes the idea of object comes first before drawing. I let all happen as they (art spirits) want, all I need is open minded and embrace change. Most of time I start line or circle somewhere in the paper and connected line or circle one by one.... Then in the middle of process if I recognise what it is, I follow the image. Sometimes I just draw until it is done and still don't know what that was about. I found a little path for freedom in a way. At first I thought I won't make any visible recognisable forms but little by little I understood that I probably need to see some forms that i or people can feel about. I never liked abstract before only because I didn't understand the meaning and they were to me those monks who make me sleep. But somehow to break forms from past this is the path I need to walk through. And new learning just started.
Drawings or painting are my tool to understand life. My life has uncertainty specially about near future right now. Until it shows up more, I need to go day by day doing the available things in front of me. The trust requires strength and it needs a wise mind and determined action too. Uncertainty is the key. This new way of drawing gives me so much fun. Each time I start to draw, I trust that something beautiful can happen and if not that's ok too. Feels like I am in the middle of the ocean waiting for the wave on the plain surfboard. That happy fresh exciting sentiment is with me when I have a brush on my hand before start to draw. I wanted to make them without intention, motivation and desire. I thought that if I have these things on mind, background mind can't come out. But maybe that's another limitation of myself. Maybe it's ok to let them in and out whenever they want. What I need is to keep that space of mind. It's just a preference at the moment that I want to feel background mind coming out from the end of brush touch rather than visible object by any intention. Mixing two sides of mind could be the solution.
This right side drawing is inspired by Moon and Kim walking together. I was so touched by that event. I thought about my father a lot. It's my dream that I could visit my father's home town in North someday. In a week I am leaving for a long trip. I will walk step by step and I will be alright. Before my journey started 20 years ago, closed friends were against me said that life is not that great, just negotiating with reality is much more wise, think about kids... I didn't follow their advices obviously. Since then so many things happened, so much change occurred and I've learned so much. As lived along my dream I was lucky and unlucky like anybody else. Now I look back, life was to me much bigger, much harder and much worth to know more...
Last several years I've learned about my final destination where I need to say good bye to myself. To be attached deeply and to be detached painfully are the formula of life. We need to suffer for others then we can see the growing beautiful flower in us. Because we are one. We are no different. But maybe that flower makes us different at some level. I want to be well prepared before that time, that is my goal. But also new life in front of me right now is coming once again and I smile half excited half scared.