Looking inside

In the morning I was jogging seaside road. I was thinking of my ocean dream and imagined what if I die in the water. I came to think that breathing is quite important in our existence. When I met evil minded people who has twisted mind with all various reasons, I have been scared. I never really got scared by ghost or any imaginational monster stuff but I have been scared by these humans. Because they can really make my life miserable. But then today I thought about breathing.... When I breath well my jogging is much easier and also I have few experiences that it can take pains away while physic is not well.  I imagined if I fell into the ocean and about to die, could I die without pain? I was thinking it is possible. In this world we came for learning that pain can only cause us when we take them and let them to hurt ourselves. Cliche? no. I am about to get this. When someone hurt me I could see the bigger picture and breath to understand that problem is not mine. The person with problem always give others their problem; because they don't know how to deal with it. They try to toss those burden to the others, specially to the people they love the most. They are the one who make "Suffering" which it was not there in the first place.

I often think about the scene which Eva Green was drowning through the water in the movie Casino Royale. Just before she die, she looked the men for awhile and then lost her control, her breathing. I tend to think about those moments same as Eric Tabarly's death. How long it will take and how much painful it will be, what can one think, can have calmness until it's over ? The moment that we can control our breathing is limited but is there any other way to control or tame those uncontrollable moment before death? Can we grab them? I say it's possible, no I am not sure.

There are monks who never lose their breathing which gives impression that those people never panic or worry. I know deep down myself 'breathing' has something to do with all that. Today the weather where I live is fantastic and I appreciate to be here everyday. Like most of people I don't see the future. It makes me feel sometimes I am in the middle of nowhere or somewhere wrong. It only start to show very slowly where I am is the perfect place for myself. One fine day I met trust itself (it felt like a person) and since then everything changed inside. Now here I can paint oil again. I know that nobody would understand how grateful and happy I am. I can make people to have bright energies and when I do that it mirrors me back. But there are people who constantly need help and sometimes I need to let them go like cold winter ocean water. I freeze my mind to detach 100 to 0. We shouldn't burden ourselves no matter what. But also there are undetachable relationship like as parents. I think it is about learning essencial love. Should love to be numb in certain period? If love is numb is it love? Love is truly all the matter. I know. It means I know nothing.

The great illusion in this world is that we possess something and put our reality into that fantasy. I keep thinking how wrong we came so far and how we get comforte and dependant from that idea alone. Not even  a leaf of grass we could own is our reality. We are born naked without a thing and we go back naked without a thing. Everything is their own way to move around and we are participating with given our free will. How beautiful life is...

Today a heron who lives under the tree flew just above me two times so I could see how its wing and leg should be. Thanks to her.