process of painting

Understanding is vital in life and finding out how much layers we have in our mind could be the lifetime work for someone like me. Understanding the meaning of word and understanding the very nature of word is completely different. Every conflicts comes from inside of me. I can actually watch my thoughts whenever my mind is clear. For example when expectations arise, I can see where they are heading. If my expectation meets the place where I want to be, I am happy but if it's not I see the peace of mind is absent. So I understand the mind of expecting is a problem not the result. Living on the process and not in the result makes all the difference of life. More understanding starts to grow up more beauty of process to be shown.
Painting oil took me so much time, not because I paint all the time but because I need to stay there inside. Sometimes I feel that I need to paint faster and more productive but then realized that those thoughts give me nothing but a conflict. When I started to paint this (I am talking about my painting process inner world not painting subjects), I saw myself floating in the middle of ocean alone. First the feeling of desperation, helplessness and fear from unknown direction were what I had.  I don't know where to begin.. So I just started to swim when I could little by little. I touched the water and looked around the sky and underwater. I listen silence and met all kinds sea animals without thinking which island I will reach and when. And eventually forgot all about island... I am so alive in the water floating not because I began to love water but because of the understanding of how to exist, how to connect myself into not myself and the importance of it. Then I come back to my seat and see the moving of those thoughts on my canvas.

Sometimes I think that I only love my paintings when I am still painting them. Every morning I look at them and connected with them until I am done and when it's done I totally forgot about them.