Between ego and soul

New paintings started.
Oil painting always makes my pulse race and how long they will take, how difficult they will be... doesn't matter to me much because it is a challenge and I want to do it. This draft left is about a depressed man on small boat in beautiful surroundings. Last week I got the book "Polishing the mirror" by Ram Dass. I've never heard of him before but when I listen his several lectures through youtube, I just knew that his book is what I need to read. To me reading his book was like a thirsty person drinks fresh water in hot Summer day.

One of striking stories on this book is about Chinese boatman who hit another boat in the fog. He got upset and was shouting to the other boat blaming about mal conduit *(bad behaviour).  Later he found out the boat has nobody in there. It suggests that everybody around us mirrors our soul... Next day I was watching on my each thought and began to realize that I am totally one of that kind who keep saying why it happens like this instead of that or this is not the right thing she did to me (my pattern of thinking). I  was very surprised because I always thought that I hardly blame someone else. Ram Dass said righteousness cuts you off from the flow of things. Exactly. I was constantly doing that without knowing. Making myself as unhappy person moment by moment. Maybe what I do is always subtle but not enough to get cross the complete line. What a relief, I feel though this is not the end of discovery. Peeling off layers by layers... Step by step. Open to unexpected...


Another thing strongly came to me was that where I am standing is the perfect place for me right now. If here is not, nowhere is. This assured me that my lesson needs to be carry on. I thought of Robin William's suicide. He was my generation movie actor, I mean much older but always been a vivid role in many great movies. How I cried over the film "dead poets society". He earned the fame, money, activities, friends, love, nice humour, respect and more... I guess in real life he was chasing what's next thing. Probably what he hadn't learned was to communicate with himself when nothing happens and bleak winter condition of body confronted him. To most of people it is easy to be depressed when unexpected things keep happen in life. We struggle to change outcome to be happy and believe happiness is or was there. We have hard time to understand our true being. But the change we really want only happens when we are tuned with our being inside. As author said "it takes time and intention."

"You have to honor your own path and be able to trust that there is a place in you that knows what is best."

In universe... Time and space have inner dimension and not circling but forward in parallel when we go into a deeper level. This is my understanding so far. Now keep living and stay centered. Ah did I mention that love every one part... The whole point and final destination is Love.