Embracing everyday

Where wind starts from and where air comes from?

Among some people I started to feel that I am no longer me, no it is rather the world around me has been changed without me noticing. How and when? It hits my cheeks while my actions and words kept baffled and got confused. Some time later from that confusion I slowly understood that it was mostly the gap of generation. It gave bitter taste on my mouth.

Today (last week) the sea was so agreable, temperature was 26 degree without much wind blowing. I had to swim! O the water was shimmering with thousands millions of blinkering light sparkles and it is hugging my whole body soon as I went in. All body cells and senses had gone crazy for a while. Heart beating was faster, I could hear the sound of breathing... that beautiful sound. Where is there? All started place? All started space? 

I was working on color pencils and watching what I am pulling out from inside. It's funny and strange to see eventually how these forms were built in. While my emotions were struggling in this painting I found the bird is emerging, I smiled ear to ear. That's why you can see the heart there. For 3 years and more I was in and out of confused state. When I started to think it is clear, it started cover again with dense clouds. All I have is 'not sure'. Nothing is sure but there is something which I can't explain. I can't see, I can't touch, I can't show it but there is something on the construction of me. Why should I explain to others about this when I have no ability to help others? I can't even explain to myself. It is inexplicable. I paint with solitary voice. But it can also be an illusion. This painting probably no one would understand but myself... is it bad? I don't know. 

There were times when I had to confront myself as small and helpless, much much worse than I ever imagined... I said myself yes, let's people think how I have nothing to show or offer. It was hard but I tried to embrace as it is. Not everything came natural way but it tooks me just little time to recover. I can also feel this new changing process of aging. The experience that I am going through right now is quite exciting because the fact that I don't have to be a young lady anymore release the great burden off me. It feels suddenly as if I am having another different life. However I hope that my neck winkle doesn't drop too much and hair loss doesn't make me bold someday... But even so I will accept as it is. As things are... Yes. When I keep open my eyes clearly, I will know this body is to parish, I don't belong to it.

청사포 light house, where I live nearby

Even though I have noticed that light comes from myself and my body is not me, constant learning and cleaning need to follow everyday til' the end of life. Often mirror of my reflexion is not clean... dirts and fogs often covers on. And my mind still troubles  by unexpected occasions.  Sometimes love seems far away towards person and other times love seems so easily perceived. Learning to watch them come and go are relating to deep detachment. I believe that on the bottom profound love overflows to all quietly.

Listening some Buddhist monk's lecture without much intention, I understand things much clearer than before. It has given me what I need. Jesus and Virgin Mary led me to Buddhist world. They are all one in my life journey. 

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. 

I want to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.

To put to rout all that was not life

And not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.   

This phrase reminds me once more that my life is too comfortable right now. Gosh how I love this comfort..