body and soul

I still remember his expression of face, the eyes, nose, mouth and smell but mostly the warm teasing voice he gave me. I doubt if I ever gonna forget his face... I mean do I have to? This is the second painting of my father. Because the first one was made just after his death, I was too emotional and changed composition several times, in the end his face was all hidden behind thick yellow colors. Now 7 years passed I was thinking that I can make a better portrait of him and this time I want to make sure his face shows clearly. So I can look at him whenever I want. I put high mountains and flying heron behind him. Another portrait I am making now is Jeanne's family who live upstairs. They have been my only friends last 3 years. Making portrait is very personal to me. I guess I need to know that person enough, because my brush moves with emotions and memories. Nowadays I approach more details (influenced by drawing work for shop) and I believe that I need a balance between inner and outer brush work.

Lately I am very much inspired by ancient histories from Babylonian, Sumerian, Heliopolis creation story and Assyrian king Mythology, anatomy and afterlife experiences... well I am all over the place and actually this is not new except I wasn't really a history lover before. Besides I've been asking myself questions about 'love everyone' part from Ram Dass book. Can we love everyone? I mean everybody... I believe that is who we are as true our being. But can I do that? Can I live embracing everyone in this world? Not only kind and nice smile like minded people but all.... I feel there is an empty helplessly dark abyss hole... Do I want to cross that darkness? I think my answer is yes... Terrorist, murderer, egoist, snobbiest, sarcastic people, stealing and deceiving people, pervert, lier, racist, authority power abused people, dried and realistic people.... people who reject me with reasons or without reasons and people who don't believe that everybody is equal... those people... How easy to blame them and how feel so good to hate them, but can I stop saying 'I don't like them' and can I love them unconditionally? I am talking about living with my soul. Right now just asking questions to myself overwhelms me but I know my destination is there and feel the invisible depth toward. How long it will take how much I will feel no progress and repeat same mistakes... doesn't matter. It takes time and much more time than I can ever imagine.. let's say another 5 or 10 more life time? well... who knows. Je fait la queue.