study of emotion

Often I see the ocean in my dream. In my dream I have been in deep seabed, breathing like a fish or swimming the surface without any fatigue. I have been walking through frozen waves or flying off the vast ocean with all different sea animals. Through dreams I am a magician. In real life one of my favorite thing is to watch the stormy sea. Where that cold yellowish grey dark misty sky and waves have no boundary in furious wind blowing.... My pounding heart becomes uncontrollable with desire to be with them as I watch. Very dangerous indeed. I love every bit of emotions in life. Love and hatred. From the beginning to the end. Rising and falling. I always didn't like to be a monk or nun who can be very respectable but boring (sorry). I didn't like to control emotions when they start to rise. Pure emotion shouldn't be controlled. It has to explode, burn, run with all speed you could possibly have, being naked to reveal itself and die mercilessly. Because that is the point of all 'the end'. Then it has to rise from there! It has to rise because the essence never die. It is peeling off. It becomes only stronger. Then intelligence slowly comes and joins to celebrate the evolution 'rebirth'. But intelligence alone is empty. Intelligence is a cunning wisdom, it knows how to avoid and not to take a risk, but it does not know the true raw taste. There is no stormy wind blowing and pouring rains. No bitter howling sound in bleakly winter night. The smell of burning beauty flees. Because intelligence has its own security fire alarm system. It has to arise with rebirth of emotion.

"We need to explore and expose any areas of dissatisfaction and insecurity that you may carry and change them by understanding the 'why' of those emotions at the source" to be truly happy. 'Transformation' the author of book, Simon Daniels says. Emotion looked very complicated, for the first time I tried to look at the entire body from where all began. Of course I didn't enjoy this process. But these are just natural steps to reach the understanding of who really I am. Emotions have constructed lots of pipes in me which some are completely blocked by some causes and some are wide open by right reasons. During the process I found few negative blocking pipes and tried to repair them. To be more conscious about who I am, where my intentions are, what I want and why I want is another separation with some of myself. I sense it is happening already. Whenever this kind of changes occur to me, I see myself crossing the river one side to the other and there is no turing back. It is a law. It always makes me sad because there are people behind. Since I entered this door to view hidden mind, I need to check my intentions for life. I complain, this is too much intelligence for me, too much responsibility... Then yes. It is time to learn. My resistance ends. Talking about material world, I have a negative pipe blocking there. Dalai Lama says in his book "We have no real need of it. We simply want that thing or to enjoy that experience or sensation." Exactly! What I want is actually having an option in life, meaning ability to be not limited. Having fun with it and not attached to it. Since I was a little girl I've had this heavy notion which is 'material means misery'. I feel some drawing curtains in front of me were pulled up and it allows me to see farther or deeper. I started two paintings named "crossing the barrier".