Embracing everyday

Where wind starts from and where air comes from?

Among some people I started to feel that I am no longer me, no it is rather the world around me has been changed without me noticing. How and when? It hits my cheeks while my actions and words kept baffled and got confused. Some time later from that confusion I slowly understood that it was mostly the gap of generation. It gave bitter taste on my mouth.

Today (last week) the sea was so agreable, temperature was 26 degree without much wind blowing. I had to swim! O the water was shimmering with thousands millions of blinkering light sparkles and it is hugging my whole body soon as I went in. All body cells and senses had gone crazy for a while. Heart beating was faster, I could hear the sound of breathing... that beautiful sound. Where is there? All started place? All started space? 

I was working on color pencils and watching what I am pulling out from inside. It's funny and strange to see eventually how these forms were built in. While my emotions were struggling in this painting I found the bird is emerging, I smiled ear to ear. That's why you can see the heart there. For 3 years and more I was in and out of confused state. When I started to think it is clear, it started cover again with dense clouds. All I have is 'not sure'. Nothing is sure but there is something which I can't explain. I can't see, I can't touch, I can't show it but there is something on the construction of me. Why should I explain to others about this when I have no ability to help others? I can't even explain to myself. It is inexplicable. I paint with solitary voice. But it can also be an illusion. This painting probably no one would understand but myself... is it bad? I don't know. 

There were times when I had to confront myself as small and helpless, much much worse than I ever imagined... I said myself yes, let's people think how I have nothing to show or offer. It was hard but I tried to embrace as it is. Not everything came natural way but it tooks me just little time to recover. I can also feel this new changing process of aging. The experience that I am going through right now is quite exciting because the fact that I don't have to be a young lady anymore release the great burden off me. It feels suddenly as if I am having another different life. However I hope that my neck winkle doesn't drop too much and hair loss doesn't make me bold someday... But even so I will accept as it is. As things are... Yes. When I keep open my eyes clearly, I will know this body is to parish, I don't belong to it.

청사포 light house, where I live nearby

Even though I have noticed that light comes from myself and my body is not me, constant learning and cleaning need to follow everyday til' the end of life. Often mirror of my reflexion is not clean... dirts and fogs often covers on. And my mind still troubles  by unexpected occasions.  Sometimes love seems far away towards person and other times love seems so easily perceived. Learning to watch them come and go are relating to deep detachment. I believe that on the bottom profound love overflows to all quietly.

Listening some Buddhist monk's lecture without much intention, I understand things much clearer than before. It has given me what I need. Jesus and Virgin Mary led me to Buddhist world. They are all one in my life journey. 

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. 

I want to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.

To put to rout all that was not life

And not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.   

This phrase reminds me once more that my life is too comfortable right now. Gosh how I love this comfort..

Looking inside

In the morning I was jogging seaside road. I was thinking of my ocean dream and imagined what if I die in the water. I came to think that breathing is quite important in our existence. When I met evil minded people who has twisted mind with all various reasons, I have been scared. I never really got scared by ghost or any imaginational monster stuff but I have been scared by these humans. Because they can really make my life miserable. But then today I thought about breathing.... When I breath well my jogging is much easier and also I have few experiences that it can take pains away while physic is not well.  I imagined if I fell into the ocean and about to die, could I die without pain? I was thinking it is possible. In this world we came for learning that pain can only cause us when we take them and let them to hurt ourselves. Cliche? no. I am about to get this. When someone hurt me I could see the bigger picture and breath to understand that problem is not mine. The person with problem always give others their problem; because they don't know how to deal with it. They try to toss those burden to the others, specially to the people they love the most. They are the one who make "Suffering" which it was not there in the first place.

I often think about the scene which Eva Green was drowning through the water in the movie Casino Royale. Just before she die, she looked the men for awhile and then lost her control, her breathing. I tend to think about those moments same as Eric Tabarly's death. How long it will take and how much painful it will be, what can one think, can have calmness until it's over ? The moment that we can control our breathing is limited but is there any other way to control or tame those uncontrollable moment before death? Can we grab them? I say it's possible, no I am not sure.

There are monks who never lose their breathing which gives impression that those people never panic or worry. I know deep down myself 'breathing' has something to do with all that. Today the weather where I live is fantastic and I appreciate to be here everyday. Like most of people I don't see the future. It makes me feel sometimes I am in the middle of nowhere or somewhere wrong. It only start to show very slowly where I am is the perfect place for myself. One fine day I met trust itself (it felt like a person) and since then everything changed inside. Now here I can paint oil again. I know that nobody would understand how grateful and happy I am. I can make people to have bright energies and when I do that it mirrors me back. But there are people who constantly need help and sometimes I need to let them go like cold winter ocean water. I freeze my mind to detach 100 to 0. We shouldn't burden ourselves no matter what. But also there are undetachable relationship like as parents. I think it is about learning essencial love. Should love to be numb in certain period? If love is numb is it love? Love is truly all the matter. I know. It means I know nothing.

The great illusion in this world is that we possess something and put our reality into that fantasy. I keep thinking how wrong we came so far and how we get comforte and dependant from that idea alone. Not even  a leaf of grass we could own is our reality. We are born naked without a thing and we go back naked without a thing. Everything is their own way to move around and we are participating with given our free will. How beautiful life is...

Today a heron who lives under the tree flew just above me two times so I could see how its wing and leg should be. Thanks to her.

Design Abstract Art

In April I worked for these abstract drawings and last week I started to get some forms that I could recognise. I start without any object in my mind but just sometimes the idea of object comes first before drawing. I let all happen as they (art spirits) want, all I need is open minded and embrace change. Most of time I start line or circle somewhere in the paper and connected line or circle one by one.... Then in the middle of process if I recognise what it is, I follow the image. Sometimes I just draw until it is done and still don't know what that was about. I found a little path for freedom in a way. At first I thought I won't make any visible recognisable forms but little by little I understood that I probably need to see some forms that i or people can feel about. I never liked abstract before only because I didn't understand the meaning and they were to me those monks who make me sleep. But somehow to break forms from past this is the path I need to walk through. And new learning just started.

Drawings or painting are my tool to understand life. My life has uncertainty specially about near future right now. Until it shows up more, I need to go day by day doing the available things in front of me. The trust requires strength and it needs a wise mind and determined action too. Uncertainty is the key. This new way of drawing gives me so much fun. Each time I start to draw, I trust that something beautiful can happen and if not that's ok too. Feels like I am in the middle of the ocean waiting for the wave on the plain surfboard. That happy fresh exciting sentiment is with me when I have a brush on my hand before start to draw. I wanted to make them without intention, motivation and desire. I thought that if I have these things on mind, background mind can't come out. But maybe that's another limitation of myself. Maybe it's ok to let them in and out whenever they want. What I need is to keep that space of mind. It's just a preference at the moment that I want to feel background mind coming out from the end of brush touch rather than visible object by any intention. Mixing two sides of mind could be the solution.

This right side drawing is inspired by Moon and Kim walking together. I was so touched by that event. I thought about my father a lot. It's my dream that I could visit my father's home town in North someday. In a week I am leaving for a long trip. I will walk step by step and I will be alright. Before my journey started 20 years ago, closed friends were against me said that life is not that great, just negotiating with reality is much more wise, think about kids... I didn't follow their advices obviously. Since then so many things happened, so much change occurred and I've learned so much. As lived along my dream I was lucky and unlucky like anybody else. Now I look back, life was to me much bigger, much harder and much worth to know more...

Last several years I've learned about my final destination where I need to say good bye to myself. To be attached deeply and to be detached painfully are the formula of life. We need to suffer for others then we can see the growing beautiful flower in us. Because we are one. We are no different. But maybe that flower makes us different at some level. I want to be well prepared before that time, that is my goal. But also new life in front of me right now is coming once again and I smile half excited half scared.

How I draw abstract drawings.

Where I live is 3 story small modern apartment and this drawing tells that spring is coming from outside of my building. The ground floor has only door and back there there are people who are blinds. The first floor has a new young man and a bit chic people and the third one (which is the second floor in France) is my place. Lately I draw without looking at any image. At first I didn't know the direction but now I can feel how to keep going using only lines and colours. Today I used color marker pens instead of watercolor. Now new marker pen comes with brush shape and it is much easier to use.

What I like about new way of drawings is that it's totally free from my past work. I mean past work gave me the basic foundation to have this ability, yes but I have been waiting for new way of expressing. It was like fishing. When it comes, I had to grab that idea quickly. However it was very brief moment, it had a strong light that I could hardly forget this time. Starting work is like surfing. I have my board in the middle of ocean and ready to ride. Sometimes it has big waves, sometimes it has small waves. I learn how to ride as I want. It's also cooking time using different lines. Someday I will arrive to another fresh way of expressing. 

At the bottom drawing is about giraffe, if only one can see him. I use every colour in my palette each time I draw. Because I want to be fair, because they are all beautiful. I love the color of black but somehow I love to use black alone rather than mix with other colors until now. These drawings are not stories, they don't have stories. I just make them up after the drawings are done. I like that way. I don't like "untitled". If drawings are my babies (which they are not in fact) they need names when they are born. I need to find their characters to give names. By the way are they abstract? I guess so. Design Abstract Art.

Treasure that I found...

To understand is very mysterious... It opens the door one by one. Last door was very dark and I know that I was in the middle of the way but I couldn't see anything and eco was coming back from every corner. Karma can visit us as time itself. It gives the opportunity to correct the thick air. It is a blessing. The understanding has the depth of vertical and that depth has no ending as far as I can imagine.

I haven't worked several months because my mind has gone through the changes. And finally last week it (art spirit) came to me once again. This drawing from today didn't have a sketch before painting. I pulled lines out using watercolor one by one without thinking of any form of life. But I want to mix the form in the middle and simple lines will be crossed. Actually I still don't know what it will be like. For me this is the magic process.

Last several months I learned the book by Korean Buddhist of 15th centry. It is called "Su Sim geul" Which means "the way of washing mind". What I need for my state of being right now is there. I trust that in life I have been led to walk the stairs step by step and my ability to understand has been expanding. I wish I could introduce some of these precious phrases but sadly the way of talking has classic tradition which I don't know how to translate and I am afraid to lose the value of meaning.

If Krishnamurti taught me about 'true self', this book teaches me how to live between ego and self in the most natural way. This book is directly talking to me. All I ever wanted to know is there in 20 pages. But then I need to walk through those words between those who are sitting there and here who want to sit there. That space has no distance but need a strength.

I am very grateful to Mr. Yoon who is a unique passionate teacher through Youtube. Because of him I am learning much knowledge of Korean ancient philosophies which I've never known before.

"If you know there are treasures how could you not to get them, instead of keep suffering.
If you want to get treasures, threw away that leather sac (pouch)." The last phrases of book.

Energy movement drawing

When energy is making noises I try to lead myself into the hole inside me.
I know there is no other solution except this but there is so heavy habitual gravity pulling my sweet ankles. It is true that I am quite lucky to have this chance to try again and again in this life. I've disappointed by myself so many times about this constant failing of plunge. I found myself wanting to go back and to behave as before, repeating this process over and over again like a complete fool. I still don't know for sure if there will be arriving point for me...

I can't explain about my process to anyone and lost the reason to explain. I was so convinced before to tell people how to live. I thought I knew so well... I am so happy that I finally realized that I know nothing about life.

I already made this energy drawing once but today it started again. What I like about this drawing is that there is not much thought in. I am using something inside me which until I take out of it, I didn't even know this wants to come out. But when I put the brush on the paper it moved alone and I felt there were something very concret bursting out. It's like the fresh wind blowing in the sea on the storm weather. It still need to be developing more from here, it is just a beginning... As an artist I desire to draw invisible things and I don't want to make up stuff or lie about what I don't know. I am not talking about feeling either. I am talking about invisible but so real through my true vision.

What I know by this point of my life is that when this stormy wind is around me I need to be in the hole. I need to get closer to it as possible as I could. That courage is not coming by chance or character. It's very difficult for me as a superficial freedom lover in this world. But if I want it, there is no other way around... Only empty mind and blind eyes can see that hole. While i am writing this so beautiful orange color sky was shown...

Infinity life line drawing

These are my ongoing new drawing on the left. I mean I started yesterday and I have no idea what I will fill inside. I am just follow the lines. What I am thinking while I am drawing this is about infinity souls need to find the different path where is inside us. How we look like has little importance and human is not that great as we wish to be yet. All is about feeding Ego, the illusion in this world at the moment. But to stop all habits and to live as I think is way too difficult for me. Sometimes I wish that I could give up all and go back...  But going back where? To the past? To where love and hatred are circling endlessly? for the comfort...? Because most of us are living like that?

Talking about Marie Le Pen. I watched her discussion yesterday. It was obvious to me that she is someone who blames others a whole time. She got none for the better future of France and the quality of her, gosh... I don't believe she would win either but she has been 2nd candidate in France. This is quite a shock to me. Playing people's anger was working! Is world become worse than ever before? World leading countries shows ego centric ignorant behaviors then is there other leading countries emerging? South Korea has been looked for good examples from North America and Europe to grow up further like many other countries of the world. I hear the sound of crumbling or shrinking inwardly. I think of young generations who will get confused by these wrong adults. Can they dream as our generation once did? We thought that we could change the world for the better but... we didn't. Mentally I felt very weak lately. This drawing has come to me when I thought that I am sitting on the ashes and that time some energy came to me. It says I need to get up. But I don't know if that energy is to stay... Probably this new energy will be on and off to settle somewhere in me.

The right one, whale house drawing has finished with a surfer, I think it's perfect position to be.

When flexible lines get mature they become straight and if my mind is clear, straight line can be much better. However my eyes probably need glasses sooner or later. Why didn't I draw more when I was younger hahaha...

The third day of drawing process.
I stopped during the day because of some emotions took over me while I was drawing this today. I want to go a bit slowly for the details.

Marie Le Pen was in Bretagne today and welcomed by pouring eggs on her head..

When I see politicians I wonder how we got this much wrong and from when... The important people in the world are mostly not at all interesting or respectable ones. Why we are giving the power to these wrong people? Can we fix this?

What I am drawing now

Just follow the lines...
Since last year I started to draw many straight lines and they get into my mind often more and more. I want to mix with emotional lines but I found the balance is a bit lost, feeling of too stiff as if this is some kind of architecture drawing. Maybe this is what it should be with my mind state at the moment. This one is a shape of whale in modern building and I started to paint in my drawing. I am curious how these things will turn out from now on. I changed the paper size to the biggest in the store I could buy. What makes me ridiculous is no matter what size the paper is I always draw from head to toe in full. I guess I am not a good compositor. Many years I tried to draw in small papers due to my not settled life style. But then lately again I have a desire to draw bigger... well. I think this feeling came from instagram which I started in Jan this year. Maybe I think of exhibition...

Instagram I do is for the business. There is my desire to be shown to more people so I can support myself for living. I also hired "socialgrow" to help me out for a month after I tried 3 different free services. This service doesn't comment or follow others, they just click to 'likes' to the other artists. Until recently I didn't know how to check what they like for me but lately I learned to check them in regular bases. It makes me horrified sometimes because they gave likes to something I'd never want stuff and other times they were very helpful. I have to admit that the service was really helpful to start and to save my time. But I am thinking to stop the service from tomorrow when contract t is done. Now I am already more than 800 people. That is enough for now and I think it needs more time to settle. I am sure that business is not my strong point at all but I understand that modern artists need to use the tools that gives opportunities to show more at least. I miss oil paintings but in this new place it is impossible to paint... so I will paint in my drawings now.

Heron and boat drawing from the notebook
*Visit my insta @artandspirits

Design logo drawing art and business

When I look back my recent past in Bissieres I was losing feelings and I see the reason as my experience of 'darkness of human mind'. The darkness of human mind is where I wanted to let it all go and have no desire of anything. The main point by great teachers 'let it all go' got me because I totally agreed that nothing in this world is really really important. I've been stopped from the point of "nothing is really matter." I felt a dragging force which was very comforting. It has no face but has mystic persuasion. I could felt a very quiet gravity which suck me into the oblivious hole. Could the black hole be like this? The way of pulling one's spirit into unknown space... I stayed there some time without knowing much what am I missing though I slowly struggled internally. When I started to change a direction alas, how weak this person is... that's me.

I couldn't do it by myself. I needed to get influenced of new environment. Help comes from up above by its own orbit and its own speed as always. Awareness needs to be always turned on and between emotion and cognition I need to feel both of them clearly and sincerely yet I am still inside to outside randomly zigzag walker in life. I am not sincere enough and therefore I am missing so many beautiful sun rays everyday but at the same time be able to focus on sun rays that I could see...

There are much emotions coming from old habits, because I remember good and bad. More I remember longer story goes on and on. Emotion is wind. The importance of emotion is to experience a deep quality in everything and finally understand what i am or what we are. When I can see duality that is clear then there is only one truth. There is no easy way and nothing is free but love cures everyone and everything. The basic source of energy is love. When we are against of what we are, our struggle never ends. While I was writing this suddenly I realized what I want with my drawings is design. I would like to put my drawings as a design on new products. Like a logo but not really a logo. It will be a logo like design by free hand drawing  for something. Simplicity with details of reality are my way of drawing which is linked to my thought.  I just had this striking swift glimpse through my mind... Even though I am not a business minded person, I know that my drawings need to be in business.

Journey to Black hole

I think somehow I can see a change in my pen drawings since I started my life from new town once again. My lines are the same but there are more straight ones added and they go in a strange shape. I talk as if I didn't intend to do this but what I intended was following lines when they come. So this black hole thing is showing about my comfortable feeling to think of it. I put eye glasses as human's views are limited and infinity sign has non limited eyes. I'm still reluctant to make decorative patterns but they are more than before now; I can see. My understanding of esthetic probably helps it.

The second one (right) is about three houses which represent the material, emotional and spiritual world. Since I go to the sea swimming often, everything is related with the ocean lately.

Movement without time

Between mortal and spirit, between form and energy and between what we can see and what we can't see... I realized that freedom was all about this drawing.

Life in full freedom what would that be? If man can be free from all and live...  Could it be like cold water in the ocean or fresh wind above the sky? There is no memory and no name. The feeling of out of space or out of breathing? There is only fresh movement flowing but my brain has hard time to concentrate... It is so hot today.

Inner world

Today is one of the hottest days in Summer and I stayed home to draw this until now. But soon I will leave to the sea for short floating.

When I saw this drawing I felt that there is still my lines which probably wouldn't change forever. My hands were quite shaking while I was drawing lines, so lines went a bit messy but it's because I haven't touched a pencil or pen quite some time. This drawing is telling that the inner world is on our hands.

My friend gave me the book of A.Rodin's thoughts upon art before I moved out. Rodin is talking about mystery in art as a kind of religion. People see only what we want to see, so we can't or don't see the whole truth. It makes us suffer in infinite obscurity. I mean that is why I want to see, I want to see entire myself. Krishnamurti said click and change but I just don't think that is for most of people's case.

When inner world is flowering in our own awareness, we understand that life is just a nature. Life and death has no difference...

New world map

This is about the world map expressed by state of people's mind and their influences. Black dots are people with the clear state of mind and they do not get the influence from blank dots which are people with chaotic state of mind. Black dots are in slow process for expansion compare with other group but these are where we all want to be as a human being.

Blank dots are the people who make divisions in this world with various reasons. Their power and connections expand much faster to create all sort of violence in human mind. People who gets influence by hatred become hatred easily. Those influences were shown as density of lines. Only thing is that they can't penetrate the clear state area. The clear state area is an ability which means fully awakened.

These two states of mind people exist in this world. Where are you?

Rust covered all over the iron

Monk BupJung's teaching moves me deeply lately. "The rust comes from the iron but eventually it swallows the iron." I see my materialism, how it works and where it goes. He is saying 'non possession' but it does not mean that we need nothing instead we do not need unnecessary things. To clear stuff around me is not an easy task at first even though I've been doing this so many times. Each time has been different though. And the most difficult thing is to clear them from my mind. I need to understand profoundly why I don't need so many.

From Maharshi's words I found a boost of understanding. "If desire can be got rid of by satisfying it, there will be no harm in satisfying such a desire. But desires generally are not eradicated by satisfaction. Trying to root them out that way is like trying to quench a fire by pouring inflammable spirits on it. At the same time, the proper remedy is not forcible suppression, since such repression is bound to react sooner or later into a forceful surging up of desires with undesirable consequences. To proper way to get rid of a desire is to find out 'Who gets the desire? What is its source?' When this is found, the desire is rooted out and it will never again emerge or grow."

I've always thought that since I am not a monk and I have very little desire compare to greedy and rich people, I do not have a problem. But finally when greedy of my mind showed up I was able to see myself as rusted iron. I feel ashamed to look at stars. I asked myself today why I need to compare myself to others? What I want is here and what I don't want is there obviously.

Krishnamurti's concerning of 'self image' also claims through my mind all together. Whenever wanting to buy something there has been all along self image behind. "The degree of freedom from unwanted thoughts and the degree of concentration on a single thought are the measures to gauge the process."I don't know how far my freedom is or how closer my mind is... It really do not matter to me. I just keep walking and not looking back. I never keep my diary but this Journal has been too long years! I decided to discontinue most of my internet activities except Etsy Shop. This is what I want: let myself free from the internet world now. Cheers to new discovery of gravitational waves!  À quel point le monde est un miracle incroyable...

Focus on self

When I started this painting last year, I was thinking of depressed person who doesn't see where he really is... The great nature is covered by his own mind and there is mental pressure down on his being. The only thing he feels is a pain. It seems like he is focused with his pain only and nothing else does matter. It's about narrow vision. Still living in la caverna de Planton.

This year I was thinking of this person's pain again about his difficulty to break that emotion. Because even if he noticed the surface glass just in front of himself, there are still deep habitual pattern of behaving and karmic debts to understand.

I often think about the situation when Jeanne d'arc was in prison before she was burned at the age of eighteen. Spirits were giving her everything she needed but I could guess how she could be insecure and scared time to time as a human being. Trust is to earn with inner strength which can only happens when heart understands love.

What I want to express through this painting process is at least to look around where we live and what we have. Why we are so needy... How useless to have ambition and success from self interest. And how hard to see this corruption has all started from inside of me.


Last year I didn't do much work and I wonder if this year can be a bit different. Well as long as I continue there actually is no problem. If I can do it I do it, if I can't do it I don't do it. What else should I expect from myself?

Why spirits?

I started new blog 'Istudy' in my new website of "Art and Sprits". If someone asks me why I am writing about spirits... I actually have no special answer for it. But I think that I have been always interested in 'real solutions' rather than just instant comforts from surfacing world. I saw people around me have many repeated pattern of misery in life. I didn't want to be like them. To break pattern of misery takes deep courage which is related to the spiritual world, inner place. The place we can't see...

If someone asks me why I believe in spirits... I would say how not to? Since I was young I had dreams which showed me future events and people's feather or dead relatives with messages etc.. There are ghost everywhere in this world. Have you ever heard any country who do not know what ghost means? I think it is not a matter of belief, but it is a matter of thinking deeper the question of why and how.

In my understanding, there are three worlds. The first is where human lives and the way of being is expressed as horizontal straight lines here. Basically the world is moving by five sense world. But people who understand more makes a different way. And they open the way to communicate with the second world which is spiritual world. The second world of being is constantly moving without form. Here I made few circle lines since their abilities are much more clear without self. The third world is where all creations come from. The unfathomable energies and cosmic mind... well I left space in the middle because honestly I can't even imagine all that. In this drawing what I wanted to express is the different way of 'focus' of being. And also my wish is that if we understand more we can live better.

Animals are expression of love

Today my one year once a week horse riding has been over. I mostly worked with Paleo and Flambeur for last six months but today my course finished with Fedor. And I think of my first love Quidam time to time. Horse riding was kind of my dream and it came true since I moved in Normandie. (Thanks to cheap tuitions!) The most important thing I've learned is the relationship with them. Many times I realized that I need to pay attention more details about their needs since they can't speak. If I don't listen enough horse and I both will confront troubles. Listening their way of talking which is totally different from human language was important lesson for me. In any case the truth is that I am using them for my pleasure of riding. So I sincerely want to treat them as kind as possible. Same group friends laugh at me because I don't use une cravache (whip?) properly but I allow them to laugh at me. I do use that stick when I think some horses need for moving forward. But my intention is clear like a crystal, it is to give them alert and not to hurt them. I won't be a professional rider and I don't want to be a best rider. I want to ride well and to have good relationship with horses. Animals give humans the opportunity to feel love. Such beautiful and amazing creatures in this world. And Lucie has been the best friendly instructor ever ! She has such a beautiful energy and made me looking up to galop 3 now. My final goal for horse riding is galop 3 because then I can go to the sea with horses. It could be possible next year. (But it is also more likely I will not pursue the horse riding. There is an unclear conflict within me somehow. I need more thinking.) So much appreciation and so many blessings I could feel just to live in the land of this beautiful earth. May bless to people who have a strength to chose love, not hate. They have abilities to keep this beautiful earth. I will start oil paintings next week in the year of monkey. Good bye 2015 ...

The distance between thoughts and oneself

These drawings are about the distance between thoughts and trueself. The straight line is 'oneself' or 'trueself' and the red lines are thoughts arising and falling.

In first drawing shows that each thoughts go higher, deeper and longer. It means one raises thought and keep going until it finally goes down as natural process. The highest point is the place where one is the most distance from oneself. This is totally confusing mind of human state. The key point is when one thought is died and touch the ground, that is time people can make change. Those times are true blessings. If not one will go on finding more and more in vain.

The second drawing is about  much less distance than the first state of mind. People who can perceive the movement of thoughts and have the ability to come back to the ground from rising process. Their conscience is a shiny armor. Of course there are various different levels here and this is still a difficult stage to maintain own peaceful mind.

The third drawing is the last state that I could draw so far. Thoughts are very near from oneself; meaning hardly get lost by any thoughts. They work together like rhythm of breathing. It is only possible when one understand (not only with theory) the distance or the space between thoughts and oneself.

I just saw as 3 steps but there are many details inside and I think more steps after this can be. I just don't know yet.

The relationship with myself

The round of center on these drawings present 'true-self' and outside round bulk is 'ego'. Whatever one does, its' ego is moving toward self which means that true self and surface living self can't meet up there. One doesn't even notice of true self. It brings total disorder and confusion about life. This is the first drawing. In second drawing one knows there is true self and ego is different thing from oneself. However one is still caught up with old habit of pleasure or grief. The center is still in the process of keep moving. And the third one is knowing self and using awareness of ego for life; it is universal nature. It exists without center in the center. 

Energy (Gi) drawing

When I held the brush it wanted to move itself and there is something very strong like a huge rock that wanted to sink into space of paper. That was felt from my mind... it could be my energy or someone's moving through me? I had no idea what I was doing when I started... then after several drawings I wanted to know more about that feeling. In the morning when everything is so quiet, I make brush standing straight up from the paper. Ink drops like a ringing bell and once brush sticks on the paper, it moves with such speed, there is no hesitance or considerable thought. Thought comes later one step behind and it wants to control. I let it participate for subtle few details. I realize then what Ive been longing most importantly from my life was freedom. Freedom from all limitation : barrier, tradition, nation, emotion and words... towards truth.

Repetition is not necessary but series allow me to develop the process with much patience. Because I still live in time until I understand that there is no time. I know that still long way ahead of me to understand and absorb all. Meanwhile I draw various forms which bring me trivial pleasure that will continue... Until when? I don't know. What I love about life is that there are so many things I don't know and this makes me feel so rich and happy! I guess this is one of aspects people don't understand me at all... But if I need to explain why, I would say it's because of space. Imagine you put all stuff in your room and you fill fulfilled, there is not much space there. The space you should enjoy, learn and move freely...